George Carlin

Quotes

• “I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them....”
• “I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and ke...”
• “You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Secon...”
• “If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace...”
• “I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I"in team.' What you should t...”
• “Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell t...”
• “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people ...”
• “I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their ow...”
• “I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cr...”
• “I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form...”
• “I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers u...”
• “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defea...”
• “Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second...”
• “He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”
• “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
• “I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.”
• “Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck”
• “Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.”
• “I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”
• “That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
• “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
• “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
• “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
• “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
• “Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.”
• “It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.”
• “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”
• “There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.”
• “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
• “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
• “In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.”
• “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
• “How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.”
• “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
• “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
• “Electricity is really just organized lightning”
• “It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.”
• “It's never just a game when you're winning.”
• “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
• “I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.”
• “How is it possible to have a civil war?”
• “Meow” means “woof” in cat.”