G
George Carlin
42 quotes
Quotes
- “I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them....”
- “I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and ke...”
- “You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Secon...”
- “If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace...”
- “I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I"in team.' What you should t...”
- “Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell t...”
- “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people ...”
- “I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their ow...”
- “I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cr...”
- “I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form...”
- “I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers u...”
- “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defea...”
- “Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second...”
- “He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”
- “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
- “I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.”
- “Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck”
- “Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.”
- “I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”
- “That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
- “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
- “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
- “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
- “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
- “Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.”
- “It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.”
- “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”
- “There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.”
- “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
- “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- “In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.”
- “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
- “How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.”
- “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
- “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
- “Electricity is really just organized lightning”
- “It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.”
- “It's never just a game when you're winning.”
- “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
- “I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.”
- “How is it possible to have a civil war?”
- “Meow” means “woof” in cat.”