Jarod Kintz, $3.33

Quotes

• “There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could t...”
• “I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the e...”
• “If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abd...”
• “Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself, with my...”
• “If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to wo...”
• “I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even...”
• “I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out o...”
• “I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think...”
• “I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for f...”
• “There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you ...”
• “When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thi...”
• “I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!”
• “I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones.”
• “Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.”
• “The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.”
• “The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.”
• “If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.”
• “On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.”
• “His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.”
• “You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.”
• “It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.”
• “On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me.”
• “I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!”
• “She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.”
• “I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.”
• “I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.”
• “I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.”
• “You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that.”
• “I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time.”
• “I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.”
• “I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone.”
• “A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait.”
• “The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.”
• “I am my own clone. I’m not who I was yesterday, but then again I am.”
• “Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.”
• “I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead.”
• “I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.”
• “I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.”
• “If religion is a crutch, then society is the broken foot.”
• “Goodbyes, they often come in waves.”