Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks About Talking Is Like Chatter To Chattering Teeth, And Every Set Of Dentures Can Attest To The Fact That No..

Quotes

• “Love is something to be treated with awe. Or should it be aww? People don’t know my capacity for love. If you tried to b...”
• “At the age of four, I wanted to be eight. At the age of eight, I wanted to be 16. At the age of 16, when I started drivi...”
• “You know, if a waitress asks me if I want ketchup with my fries, I’ll reply, “No thanks, I’ll just drink water.” And tha...”
• “I left my phone number on a napkin, along with trace amounts of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread grease, hoping she’d ca...”
• “I told my doctor my penis was as thin as a spaghetti noodle. I asked if there was anything I could do to bulk it up, and...”
• “I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Stev...”
• “Her dad died unexpectedly, so I hid the flowers, because flowers are reminders of spring and life, and also of headstone...”
• “When I’m in a relationship, I love like a burrito. And if you’re a taco, don’t talk to me. At our core we may seem simil...”
• “I don’t need love. I live in a forest. The quiet is my companion. The cold is my warmth. My heart once suffered from fro...”
• “I can’t define what love is. That’s like eating a pancake with a waffle instead of a fork. But you know it when you feel...”
• “I believe the love shared between two people shouldn’t be secretly shared with a third. Not even if I am vacationing on ...”
• “I applied for your love like a recent MBA grad might apply at Walmart today. I grew a beard on my chest and laughed thro...”
• “I define myself and grow as a person through emotional torment, so if you love me, you will inflict as much pain on me a...”
• “The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I...”
• “If you share your soup, I’ll share my wisdom. I brought a spoon, but did you bring a pen? How are you going to take note...”
• “Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they ret...”
• “I’m a romantic. I like cold coffee and orgasms that arrive fifteen minutes after I’ve put on my clothes and paid the lad...”
• “A poem for Beth: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I didn’t know what love meant, until I looked it up in the dictionary.”
• “Napoleon made war like I make love—from a height of about 68 centimeters. (I wear platform shoes while I’m on my knees)”
• “I am not the Bird of Love I once thought I was. But my silence suggests I may be the Pterodactyl of Love.”
• “I am the Anagram of Love. I’m not evil, but I am evol. I guess this also makes me the Palindrome of Love!”
• “I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?”
• “I am my own love story. And I want to tell my love story, from the inside. Just add water and stir.”
• “I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert.”
• “I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am.”
• “My advice to you: Just be yourself. That’s what I’m trying to do. So, can I borrow your clothes?”
• “I want to learn the language of the sun, and burn Agatha’s eyes out with my love poems.”
• “Love is an empty bottle, and it makes my heart thirsty thinking how fast I chugged it”
• “I am the Guillotine of Love, and I will never lose my head over another woman again.”
• “About adultery: Don’t go looking for pancakes when you have flapjacks at home.”
• “The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three.”
• “Our love was covered in fur, yet I was the only one who wanted to pet it.”
• “I lost my faith in my faithlessness. I believe I’m a nonbeliever now.”
• “Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.”
• “I am the bathtub of love, but all Agatha ever wanted was a shower.”
• “If my name were C. Ross, I’d definitely be religious.”
• “I hate when women give me that look. That overlook.”