Jarod Kintz, It Occurred To Me

Quotes

• “I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Loc...”
• “If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so famil...”
• “I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?"It's offensive. As if I'm g...”
• “My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfis...”
• “With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazin...”
• “I'm so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, an...”
• “I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they on...”
• “I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's...”
• “I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the larg...”
• “I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things ...”
• “They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talkin...”
• “In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still fe...”
• “To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an ov...”
• “I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still goi...”
• “If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a f...”
• “This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to ...”
• “I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.”
• “If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.”
• “I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob.”
• “I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep.”
• “I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops.”
• “I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.”
• “I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too.”
• “When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.”
• “My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster.”
• “Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.”
• “To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.”
• “Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name.”
• “I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff.”
• “The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.”
• “If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time.”
• “If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.”
• “If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.”
• “When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.”
• “My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.”
• “I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.”
• “I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.”