Jarod Kintz, Love Quotes For The Ages. Specifically Ages 18-81.

Quotes

• “Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you really want me to gr...”
• “The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare ...”
• “You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full becaus...”
• “Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take th...”
• “If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this ...”
• “I want to write a song about the only girl I’ve ever loved. And the chorus will say something like, “I really want to se...”
• “You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, o...”
• “She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse ...”
• “The difference between a karate chop and a high five is the same as the difference between a knife and a paddle. My love...”
• “He said he came in second place, so I assumed there were only two competitors. But you never know with love, there may h...”
• “My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry o...”
• “I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my rec...”
• “I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I end...”
• “I wish every envelope enclosed a love letter. It’s this hope that leads me to open strangers’ mail. So you see, I’m a ro...”
• “She has a sly smile, and eyes that seem to see my essence as they explore my soul and implore my spirit to enter her. I ...”
• “When I make love, I make extra, and then I keep it in my pants pockets. Well, not all of it. I give an inappropriate amo...”
• “Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it t...”
• “Two butterflies in two socks could walk faster than I can run. A love song will jog your memory like I jog like Roger Ba...”
• “Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is s...”
• “Let love find you. Don’t go looking for it. The best way to attract a mate is to post an ad on Craigslist titled, “Have ...”
• “Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a ref...”
• “I believe in true love. But my opinion is tainted, because I also believe in Bigfoot, aliens, and in the existence of ho...”
• “I wrote an edible cookbook. The pages are made out of tortillas. It’s also the Book of Love. (Batteries and hot sauce so...”
• “Making benches is no walk in the park. It takes one a lot of love to make a bench, and then it takes two to make love on...”
• “I spray-paint my underwear gold, because it makes me feel like a winner. When two people are in love, one is always in s...”
• “She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you...”
• “I gave her a broken watch, to symbolize that my love for her is forever and timeless. And as an excuse to why I’m always...”
• “I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes it to a whole new l...”
• “With a palindrome of a name, like Bob, I’d be both right thinking and dyslexic. Would you love me more as a Bob, or as a...”
• “In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nons...”
• “Love is you wearing her favorite shirt of yours, just like you did yesterday and the day before. And the day before that...”
• “You can’t buy love, it’s true. However, I am offering mine for rent. Buy one year and get the next six months at half pr...”
• “I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lov...”
• “Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stair...”
• “I want the gift of a guitar—no strings attached. I want your love to also have no strings attached—and be just as musica...”
• “The race is long, and I am sprinting. If I ever see her again, I’ll probably be too out of breath to tell her I love her...”
• “We made love like two folding lawn chairs. We were both motionless, but the possibility of movement permeated the moment...”
• “The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it.”
• “We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.”
• “A string of burglaries is a crime necklace. Everything I have can be stolen except love, because I give it all away.”
• “Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise.”
• “I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself.”
• “Drink my Distraction Juice (not from concentrate). It tastes like love, only not so focused on just one ingredient.”
• “My nickname isn’t Scarface—it’s Scarf Ace. I make knitted neck warmers like I make love—one grandmother at a time.”
• “Life, it’s made up of two things—time and love. A watch tells one, but what tells the other? We tell each other.”
• “I often wear camouflaged pants so when I walk I look like a floating torso. I love with the same air of mystery.”
• “I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.”
• “We fell in love like two medium pizzas in one large stomach. I wish dad would have saved a few slices for us.”
• “It doesn’t take a hurricane to blow out a birthday candle. Let this be a lesson in love—and cake etiquette.”
• “A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you.”