Jarod Kintz, The Days Of Yay Are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

Quotes

• “Every night I pray I whisper into a megaphone, not only so God is sure to hear, but also my neighbors, because I pray to...”
• “I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and yo...”
• “The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction a...”
• “All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them ...”
• “More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (t...”
• “I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for ...”
• “Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time lo...”
• “I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock or no kn...”
• “Not only do I not believe in not believing in God, I’m also a big supporter of crutches, canes, walkers, and anything th...”
• “What’s on my mind? I could say you, but we both know I'd be lying. Actually, I'm only pretending that you aren't on my m...”
• “Hydrogenated and androgynous milky white love is all I have to offer you. Would you like me to pour it in your coffee, o...”
• “You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know you know I know. It’s important for yo...”
• “My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killi...”
• “What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference betwe...”
• “Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the w...”
• “Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your ...”
• “The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last...”
• “One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date...”
• “Are you OK with pissing people off to succeed? Because that’s what will happen. Success pisses off the unsuccessful.”
• “I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town.”
• “Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.”
• “I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?”
• “All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born.”
• “Faith: a device of the mind, fed by the soul, that functions like crutches to a man in a wheelchair.”
• “I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car.”
• “Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head.”
• “Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet.”