Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

Quotes

• “When someone looks at something they don’t understand and they say, “That could be a good thing, or that could be a bad ...”
• “Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on our relationship,...”
• “If I’m going to write a book every American will want to read, it’s got to have lots of pictures. Those pictures must al...”
• “He was just a kid. He didn’t care. He was like, “I’m getting in my mom’s van and I’m going home.” I was just a kid, too....”
• “There’s truth in only having a bicycle seat. I used to skip class and just hold it out in the hallway. When teachers wou...”
• “My coffee gets increasingly better the more I drink and the closer I come to the bottom of the cup, where all the sugar ...”
• “The first door in the hall leads to youth, the second door leads to middle age, and the third door leads to the bathroom...”
• “Jarod Kintz Day—it’s not just my birthday, but it should be a holiday that’s mandatory to celebrate, punishable by death...”
• “One of the most productive ways a government can spend money on the people is by building more prisons. That’s what make...”
• “I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy w...”
• “There are lots of great ideas in my book, but as a cohesive unit, my book is only held together with glue at the spine. ...”
• “I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have ...”
• “Back when I was a competitive swimmer, I used to dream of going to the Olympics. But then I changed my mind, once I foun...”
• “One thought I think every person eventually thinks is, “Holy shit, I’m going to die!” Sorry, I just turned thirty yester...”
• “She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d ...”
• “I cried so hard after I put my cat to sleep. I guess I shouldn’t have cried so hard, because with all my sobbing, I ende...”
• “Last year, millions of students didn’t graduate from high school. They didn’t drop out, they were simply in elementary a...”
• “She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of va...”
• “Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my din...”
• “At the end of the universe you’ll find a door labeled “Do Not Enter.” No great mysteries are hidden there—it’s just a su...”
• “When your family dies, that’s a bummer, but that’s life. When my family dies, it’s a tragedy and the world is unbalanced...”
• “Pluto will always be a planet in my book. That’s because my book was published before Pluto was blacklisted by planetary...”
• “The police seemed to think I killed her, which is crazy, because I loved her like a thousand drops of blood dripping dow...”
• “I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because she hadn’t arrived...”
• “Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front y...”
• “With my career I want to either make something or make an impact. Writers both make something, and make an impact.”
• “His shelf. Good. Noodle dust. Decaying brain collecting dust. Must insert it back in skull—what was I thinking?”
• “I skimmed the pond scum with a spoon like broth in a soup bowl. Why does everything have to remind me of her?”
• “I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral.”
• “In my laboratory, I use science to measure love. Whatever you do, don’t drink out of beaker number two.”
• “Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye? Because that’s the word my soul is trying to say.”
• “Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.”
• “I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.”
• “I put the “now” in knowledge. Well, I will put it there, probably tomorrow or tomorrow’s tomorrow.”
• “Are you an Is there? or a There isn’t! kind of person? I’m more of an Is there isn’t? kind of guy.”
• “Books allow you to take flight, unlike the chicken wings I stapled to my back before eating them.”
• “All I know is I don’t know if I know, and this everlasting oscillation shakes my belief system.”
• “As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon.”
• “Does Ziploc make body bags? I’ll bet the corpses would stay fresher for longer if they did.”
• “I go to sleep in my business suit, because it makes my dreams of success seem more real.”
• “There is life, and there is death, and in between there is me. Please don’t wake me up.”
• “Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely.”
• “I have all the things I need to succeed in life, including a bucket of unicorn urine.”
• “I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.”
• “A farm is a business, and I ran mine into the ground. The next year it grew back.”
• “Sexcess—it’s about sex in excess and success all rolled up into one sweaty ball.”
• “We all have to have something to hold on to, even if it’s our own torso.”
• “I can read lips. Especially if they have words tattooed on them.”
• “With six pieces of wood, I’m building a life, and my coffin.”
• “When it comes to Schopenhauer, I think I need a To-Go box.”