Jarod Kintz, This Book Is Not For Sale

Quotes

• “Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it wi...”
• “I would argue that unless the two people are in love, all sex is bad sex, because why eat cotton candy when you can have...”
• “There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author ...”
• “His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom, or even Mr. To...”
• “Words are magic. They have the power to hurt and to heal, and even withholding them has the power to hurt and to heal. W...”
• “If I told you that my global audience has shot up 100% in the last six months, what would you say? If you were to say, “...”
• “Know yourself better than your opponent knows you, know your opponent better than he knows himself, know yourself better...”
• “When you give everything and expect nothing in return, only then will you be in a position to gain anything. When you lo...”
• “Man has two legs and chairs have four, because we were made to stand out, not sit down—or be sat on. You are your brand—...”
• “If you find yourself thirsting for my love, don’t forget that I sell straws in a variety of flavors. What is the price o...”
• “I’ve found newspapers only useful as kindling material for campfires. It’s been said that newspaper articles are written...”
• “Last weekend I went out of my comfort zone to go hang out with people I’d only heard about, and I met one new person who...”
• “I’m so shy that if you played “Guess The Mannequin” with me and two mannequins, you’d pick me, because I’m the quiet one...”
• “What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m des...”
• “I watched the leaves change colors, and I thought, “People do that too. Their hair changes color as they age.” I remembe...”
• “A chance meeting in a Kansas City coffee shop may take me months of planning and twice a day visits for over a year. But...”
• “I love coffee cake, but I would prefer if it were just a little more drinkable. I almost choked while chugging some this...”
• “The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and a sticky note on the fridge that said, "I...”
• “Sometimes a symbol holds more power than the thing it represents. Like the symbol for Thing, the one I created that is c...”
• “I always wear roller skates when I ride my bicycle. The more wheels the better, and that's what makes me a better lover....”
• “Money is not equal for all people. A strong personal brand adds more lift and leverage. One dollar from me may buy a sod...”
• “Today we’re living in an anti-Waldo world, where you don’t want to blend in and have people struggle to find you. You wa...”
• “Love may make you feel blue, love may make you feel green, and sometimes love may even make you feel turquoise or teal. ...”
• “I sympathize with a mother who has three mouths to feed—especially if two of those mouths are on her face. With a woman ...”
• “App idea: in real time track trends as swarms of keywords form, and use this data to invest in the next unicorn #startup...”
• “If I found 20 dollars on the ground, I’d be willing to bet I’d find someone in desperate need of money that I could give...”
• “I let coffee drip into my mouth the same way I fall in love—slowly, as I wring out my shirt before going to scrub off th...”
• “This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I...”
• “Buy one I love you for $3.99. Buy twelve for $48.00. That’s a savings of twelve cents—directly into my bank account. WAR...”
• “A slinky is a toy made for stairs, but that’s entirely too tiresome. What about a toy for escalators that doesn’t move a...”
• “I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like my...”
• “She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Monty Py...”
• “The love of my life has made me the happiest man ever. This ever-smiling man/mannequin is so happy because he’s got no b...”
• “I think about her sometimes, and wonder what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with. I suppose I could just stalk her F...”
• “Love is like 9.75 plus .25. That’s 10, for all of you people trying to add fractions on your fingers. I can only count u...”
• “The storm is coming whether you’re aware of it or not, and whether you’re prepared for it or not. Thank God you have a m...”
• “I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out whil...”
• “I have always loved camping, ever since I was eight, and was forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle o...”
• “A nugget of wisdom is more valuable than a nugget of gold—and considerably harder to pan out of a river. I’ll be 33 in M...”
• “I am so extreme that I do parkour like a caterpillar gyrates. My movements are slow and methodical, but eventually my fr...”
• “Reading makes you ready for the world. A man who doesn’t read is a man who is easily deceived. You must find that man an...”
• “I sped-read through a book that probably weighed a pound, though I only gleaned about nine ounces of information. That's...”
• “I’m a natural salesman. I sold my soul to the devil. I’m so shrewd that I got pennies on the dollar for it. Ha! Wait, a ...”
• “There exists a big circus tent, and the right entrance is named The Republicans, and the left entrance is called The Dem...”
• “The salesman said the sale was happening because all the gizmos in the store had to be liquidated. It was a lot of solid...”
• “Meatloaf is meatloaf is not a true statement. You can have gravy on top, ketchup on top, and don’t forget you can also h...”
• “I don’t want to develop—I want to evelop, because it’s more positive. Similarly, would you rather your love evolve or de...”
• “In high school I used to write my love notes backwards, so she'd have to flip the paper upside-down to read it. Either t...”
• “It’s been said that men think only about sex and food. And some men, like my uncle Lester, think about sex with food. Ne...”
• “Being a waiter is a waste of time, because think of all that waiting. But it’s better than loving someone who doesn’t lo...”