Steven Wright

Quotes

• “In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything w...”
• “You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life,...”
• “You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you not...”
• “I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. ...”
• “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back ...”
• “I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyda...”
• “When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practi...”
• “Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologr...”
• “I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote"so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquot...”
• “It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”
• “If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
• “I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
• “Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.”
• “I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”
• “The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”
• “If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”
• “I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”
• “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
• “I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
• “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
• “There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
• “If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”
• “I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
• “If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
• “Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”
• “I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”
• “Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”
• “When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”
• “Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
• “I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
• “Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”
• “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
• “I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”
• “What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”
• “Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”
• “I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.”
• “What's another word for thesaurus?”
• “I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”