Jarod Kintz, At Even One Penny, This Book Would Be Overpriced. In Fact, Free Is Too Expensive, Because You'd Still Waste Time By Reading It.

Quotes

• “This is what I believe to be the progress of a writer. You write 10 things, of which one of them will be great. You then...”
• “I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to particip...”
• “I had an out-of-body experience so strange that it felt normal. You see, my soul, or essence, had left my body and went ...”
• “I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced t...”
• “Two one-armed people might seem perfect for each other, but what if they’re both missing the same arm? Then even somethi...”
• “Would women find vampires even sexier and more romantic if instead of fangs they had rose thorns? It’s thoughts like the...”
• “I’ve often wondered why the Protestant Reformation took place in Germany, rather than in Poland. Then I realize that Lut...”
• “I bought you a gift. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but I’m not quite sure you’ll like it. So if you don’t want it j...”
• “The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I n...”
• “It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be ...”
• “A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt ch...”
• “Sometimes I ask God what I did to deserve her love. I maintain my innocence, and of all the forms of God’s wrath from pl...”
• “At first sign of crisis, the ignorant don’t panic because they don’t know what’s going on, and then later they panic pre...”
• “I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need...”
• “When I found him lying in the ditch holding a shovel, I thought he was sleeping on the job. Turns out he was being even ...”
• “In the morning I brush my teeth with hope, and at night before bed I brush them with defeat. Both are mint flavored, so ...”
• “I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave...”
• “No matter how far or long you carry it, my love doesn’t weigh a lot. But if you aren’t carrying it with you, it will wei...”
• “I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah, to be young an...”
• “Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I sti...”
• “I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can eat just a lit...”
• “Some people say—not to my face, mind you—that I’m a cowardly son of a bitch. And that is simply not true. My mom is not ...”
• “Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of t...”
• “I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every...”
• “Insider trading is a serious crime. Do you know what the penalty for doing it is? Nothing, if you’re a member of Congres...”
• “I inherited a pound from my British uncle. I’d have rather gotten a dollar, because what do I want with an animal shelte...”
• “Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretar...”
• “My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about you.”
• “Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.”
• “I used to be a bumper sticker kind of writer. Now I’m more developed, and my writing often takes up whole bumpers.”
• “I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.”
• “I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket.”
• “I’m not good at talking. Can’t I just nod my way through a conversation? It’s better than nodding off.”
• “I was seen spotted with an older woman and a girl half my height in age. A leopard was also spotted.”
• “When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.”
• “I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones.”
• “I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.”
• “I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor.”
• “You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.”
• “She asked me if I was seeing anybody else, and I said, No, the other woman is invisible.”
• “God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it.”
• “If we make it out of this alive, I’ll kill you. So you have that to look forward to.”
• “I believe I believe I can succeed, and this belief is the foundation for my belief.”
• “I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%.”
• “One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides.”
• “Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment.”
• “Artists exist to show us the world. So do windows.”
• “The decision to empty my mind was a no-brainer.”
• “My dreams died nine months before I was born”
• “Do I own my soul, or would two of my clones?”