Jarod Kintz, I Want Two Apply For A Job At Our Country's Largest Funeral Home, And Then Wear A Suit And Noose To The Job Interview.

Quotes

• “I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower ...”
• “I want to be in the Guinness Book of World Record’s for something ridiculous like juggling poison-tipped porcupines, pla...”
• “I want to scream sometimes, because I hate when people refer to a dead person as the “late” so and so. I’m sorry to brea...”
• “Before I die, I want to change my name to "Here,"so that my tombstone could simply read, "Here lies."And then people who...”
• “I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next g...”
• “I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate t...”
• “I want to replace my knees with miniature Rube Goldberg machines. That way you'll know how difficult it is for me to sim...”
• “I want to write a book on sex. It will be filled with phrases like "Uuuhgh yeeeaaaah,"and "Ooooh that's it,"and "Whose h...”
• “I want to have breasts the size of Florida, so that people might see me at Ponte Vedra beach and gasp, “Look at the size...”
• “I want to be a creature that’s half bee, half the letter B. That way I can pollinate the world with my literacy.”
• “I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.”
• “I want a billion people to know my name as well as they know their own. I want to clone myself to fame.”
• “In a brave and noble way, I want to sacrifice my life one day so that two of my clones can live.”
• “I want to go to all the topless bars in America and try to sell every single one of them a roof.”
• “I want to own something that really reflects me as a person. Something like a mirror.”
• “I want to be asexual, because then I could be more productive. But not reproductive.”
• “I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.”
• “Why does death have to stop #love? It doesn’t stop people from voting in Chicago.”
• “I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy.”
• “I want to be the Everyman and take an IQ test and get a perfect 100.”