Jarod Kintz, This Is The Story My Great-grandfather Told My Father, Who Then Told My Grandfather, Who Then Told Me About How The Mythical Mr. Boo, Charles Manseur Fizzlebush Grissham Iii, Better Known As Mr. Fizzlebush, And Orafoura Are All In Fact Me...

Quotes

• “You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. You know, poets and songwriters have long k...”
• “Tomorrow I was supposed to have a meeting with a salesperson, who happened to be Orafoura. But something came up, so I c...”
• “I think we should model parts of the English language after the Inuits, who have 52 words for snow. Why don't we have 52...”
• “Did you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile? I know, because yesterday was in a bad mood, and I gu...”
• “I may be alive now, but in a series of moments I won’t be. And let it be said about me: He didn’t waste his time talking...”
• “I once asked an old Japanese man why Japan decided to team up with Germany during WWII, and do you know what he told me?...”
• “I always felt that Jim Morrison was a terrible name for the front man of The Doors. No, for a band called The Doors, a n...”
• “Grandmother hates it when I do the "turkey dance."Basically, I lather my naked body in gravy and then spaz out on the ki...”
• “Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something: If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to...”
• “Most fools drink after one another, from a thinking cup that is empty. But I only drink after people whose cups are fill...”
• “Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of ...”
• “It’s scary to be a woman on a blind date. For all she knows the man she is meeting up with could be a rapist, a murderer...”
• “As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, "Self Storage,"and I thought, "I wonder if my ego could p...”
• “When I hear Jazz, my first instinct is to lean over to the guy next to me and whisper, "Fourth floor, please.”
• “I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.”
• “The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good.”
• “In high school I tried out for the spelling team, but only because I really wanted a letter jacket.”
• “I love apricots. They’re so fuzzy they’re furry. They’re like little pets you can eat legally.”
• “If my remote control doubled as a dildo, I'd never get off my ass to change the channel.”
• “I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.”
• “I like using big words. Words like huge, gigantic, massive.”